Y'all, being a woman just plain stinks sometimes.
I can't remember when it finally hit. The time that I really knew I was in trouble, but it did.
This life we live. These things we deal with. Sometimes I'm just not up for them.
Oh the joys.
The never ending guessing game of what our mood will be today, this hour, this minute.
The struggle to find out who we are right now, in 15 minutes and in life.
I've been the working student, the working mom, the basically single working mom, and now the stay at home and homeschooling mom.
I've worn the pants in the family, many times I've felt like I walk around with pants on my head.
My skin decides to go on strike at the firm, flexible and flawless encounter, then can be wrinkle free and beautiful 3 days later.
I'm not sure some mornings if it's good to get out of bed or if I should just pull the covers back over and hope someone else gets the toddler screaming "Where are you, Mommy?".
I get so confused about reading all the stuff I "should". Then I don't want to read anymore.
I just want to live, to breathe, to be.
I've studied some on this whole "woman" thing. One book says this, another this and I'm just trying to figure out how to get out of the mood I'm in when I don't want to be there myself.
Sometimes I have seriously questioned God's design. I curse Eve and I think maybe there are other women who are doing it so much better on a day to day basis.
Sometimes I have to drag myself in to fix the meals and those days when I need to make more than one meal for my family can drive me insane(I mean cook from scratch stuff) during parts of the month.
I almost wish I drank. Maybe that's the problem. But then again, alcohol can lead to not sleeping or to sleeping too well. The answers are so varied.
Pick a topic. Type it in. Pros and Cons battle it out before your eyes.
Drink coffee, don't drink coffee and oh, if you're nursing, definitely don't drink coffee or one cup is fine but not the 5-10 that would help me function.
But through it all, stay awake, be present, enjoy these moments, because they go so fast.
Seriously? How are we supposed to walk our way through this?
I love my sons. I totally don't understand them sometimes.
I love my daughter. I totally don't understand her sometimes.
The day can begin with sunshine and by 10am the sky is dark and rain is pouring down. The weather hasn't changed outside, just inside and that's just me. Factor in 4 other people and you can have a mess on your hands.
Friends and family tell you to take a break, to find "me" time. What is that y'all?
I can't remember the last time I actually got a shower completely by myself for the whole 5 minutes I was soaping and washing! I sometimes can't remember when the last time I got a shower was!
I love to snuggle with my children and read books for hours and then I don't.
Sometimes nothing can be close enough, other times in the same room is too close.
I remember turning to my husband one time regarding our son and asking "Is this boy or just E?" I honestly didn't know. We are so different, men and women.
We don't think, act, behave, respond, communicate, tolerate, arouse and on and on the same. That's just the two genders. Then we have our personalities and our stresses.
They throw us into a tailspin.
My up is your down and knowing the battle is there is really only half the story. I'm never quite sure which weapon to show up with.
I've kept track of cycles and I try to prepare myself but sometimes it doesn't do any good.
The highs come and the lows attack and I'm left feeling like I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time in a vehicle that won't get me out of here fast enough.
Sleep. Why is it that when you need it most, your body rebels?
I sleep on high alert most nights. I hate to be woken up from a dead sleep because I really don't do well patience wise, so I sleep "light". Then I'm tired.
Do we then take a pill to help ourselves sleep?
These are the crazy kind of unending questions that roll around in my head.
Should I read a book for enjoyment, but wait, I didn't finish that one on being a better mom, wife, sister, friend, child of God, you fill in the blank, and I struggle with enjoying reading anything.
Then those glorious days come. Those days when the sun is shining even when it's dark and stormy outside. The days that make you feel like your ten feet tall and invincible.
I LOVE those days.
I wish they would stay. I enjoy reading story after story to my children, I even enjoy changing their stinky diapers (I actually really do like this most days - it's bonding time for me) and little (ok HUGE) shows of will. I can be patient (just like the man in the yellow hat is with Curious George every day) and I think, "I've totally got this" then the next wave of junk hits and it's all downhill again.
I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. We leave the station, I get ready and pumped for that first big climb and the wonderful free fall at the end of it, but before I can get to the next "high", there is this lull, this big empty space that seems to suck the joy. I reach back toward what was until I catch a glimpse of what is coming and then I want to race to get there.
But I can't. We have to suffer through these times. And God has to help those around us.
I try to remember that God created us this way. We were meant to be unique and different, we were meant to love deeply, care well and feel it all. It is a gift and a curse.
The flip side to these horrible weeks, is the joy that comes in those small moments when I really can "take it all in because the time flies too fast." I am blessed to have been able to be a mom. That gift is SO huge, y'all. The joy of being a wife and a mom is something I cherish even through gritted teeth some days and something I would never trade these hormone crazy feelings for.
God promises to never leave or forsake us. To give us strength for what is ahead and I love that.
But I also have to just simply remind myself. If the day/hour/minute is bad, just wait. It'll change and that is as it should be.
The why is known, the how to deal is unfolding and the reason to be thankful is this...my brain, my body and my soul are so interconnected that I can't separate them. I can't compartmentalize my love, my loathing, my sorrow. It is all there. All the time. Sometimes the good is what is at the top and sometimes the bad, but I love the depth of womanhood.
May we be kind to ourselves, kind to those around us and always try to find that spec of light in the dark tunnel.
My good day will be some other woman's bad day(unless you live in the same house, then the bad days usually compound) and I want to have grace.
We were knitted and formed with loving hands. He knows my blackest thoughts, my brightest ideas and all the stuff in-between and loves me. He loves you too.
So, if it's your dark day today, know the sun will come out. Maybe not tomorrow, but definitely by next week.
Just hang in there.
I'll be doing the same from here and trying to find the humor in it all the while.
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13&14
"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates." Proverbs 31:30-31